Beyond Survival: Spotlight on Domestic Abuse

 

October is National Dometic Abuse Awareness Month. The prevalence of domestic abuse in the United States is staggering where 1 in 3 women have admitted to being abused by a partner in her lifetime. However, Liz Simpson, a life coach, transformational speaker and author known as “The Self-Discovery Diva,” believes that empowerment and education are some of the tools that can be used to fight this war.

“There’s a lack of relationship education. 45% of teenage girls have experienced domestic abuse in their first boyfriend. It’s starting at a young age. We should be teaching people how partners should honor and respect each other.”

A victim of abuse herself and now a survivor, Liz has an intimate knowledge of what abuse looks and feels like. As a new college student awarded an academic scholarship to an out-of-state college, Liz found herself in a new world. Not fully understanding the consequences, Liz decided to switch majors which meant that she lost her scholarship. This, in turn, triggered a series of events that would forever change Liz’s life.

Her counselor suggested that if she wanted to regain her scholarship, she would need to leave school for a year, work then claim head of household on her taxes. She decided to go this route and started this new transition period in her life. This was when she met a young man who would forever change her life.

Liz grew up in a strict household where there was virtually no dating, so this was her first real experience dating. She described herself as vulnerable at this time since she didn’t have the background and didn’t know what to expect.

“I felt like he was looking out for me. He told me that I could move in with him; it was like a fresh of breath air,” Liz described.

She soon felt like things were getting out of control and the warning signs started popping up in her then-boyfriend’s violent and aggressive episodes.

“He loved playing street ball and would get into fights. He was overly jealous and would go through my phone. As a young girl, you think it’s cute. You think, ‘he just likes me.’”

Liz didn’t want to view her boyfriend as abusive or anything less than loving and caring, so she cast away these signs and kept on with the relationship.

However, things took a dramatic shift one New Year’s Eve – that was the first time he physically abused her. Liz was so upset that she drove back to her hometown of Chicago, called up her friend and told her what happened. She stayed away for weeks because she was traumatized about what happened.

“I’m the type of woman who can say the first time he puts his hands one me, it’s over.”

However, things weren’t so simple because Liz soon found out she was pregnant and since it was the first child for each of them, the situation morphed once again.

“It was like I was an item he owned since I was having his baby.”

Even though they remained broken up and even lived in different states, over the next couple of years, Liz’s ex would cross state lines to break into her home, vandalize her belongings and continuously abuse her.

Liz was finally granted a protection order but the ex was still granted visitation with their daughter where he would drive to come spend time with the child.

However, this took a frightening turn when Liz’s daughter was around 2 years old and the child’s father kidnapped her. Liz didn’t see her daughter for months. After finding a lawyer to take the case and incurring an astounding amount of legal fees, Liz got her daughter back.

At that point, the ex was granted visitation with his daughter only at a government facility where he would be monitored but he declined and this is when Liz began her real healing and transition.

She lived in a shelter for victims of domestic abuse for 9 months and began receiving counseling and therapy. From there, she began focusing on her financial situation where she received financial success through hard work and eventually ended up owning her own boutique.

However, Liz soon discovered that money alone wasn’t filling the void and that’s when she began the ultimate journey of her healing – her self-discovery.

“I had to ask myself questions such as: Who am I? How do I act when I’m not trying to prove myself to others?”

Liz met the mentor who would encourage her to do what she always wanted to do which was to become a writer and a speaker, which she started doing full-time a year ago. She wanted women to understand that healing from abuse is more than allowing the physical wounds to heal, but healing the body, spirit and mind.

“It can really drain you. When the physical wounds heal, we’re not aware of the internal wounds. Those are the ones that keep you stuck,” Liz explained.

She also wants to clear up all of the myths floating around about domestic abuse and reveal many women’s realities.

“The idea that women don’t try to leave is a façade. That’s misinformation. Generally, women try to leave but 80% is financial abuse where women lack resources and confidence. The statistics show that the average female victim does attempt to leave 7 times.”

When women are trying to escape abusive situations without a lot of outside support, Liz suggests the “Purple Pocketbook” app which is secure and confidential and has a wealth of information about resources such as shelters, escape options, etc. She also recommends the National Domestic Hotline which is open 24 hours a day that can point a victim to resources in her area.

While most people associate physical violence to domestic abuse, there are several forms out there that can take many different forms.

“It can be psychological, financial, physical and spiritual. When it’s spiritual, the man almost creates himself as if he’s a deity. There are many aspects of abuse and some women think because he never hit me, it’s okay to stay. That’s dangerous.”

When asked why women stay in these types of abusive relationships, Liz explained that it can be a really touchy situation but she explained her personal experience.

“I can honestly say I was looking for a provider and someone to be protective and love me because I didn’t love myself at the time.”

From women she coaches and who’ve been in abusive relationships, she said the case is often that women don’t have a healthy view of what a balanced relationship is like. Further, she said that there are always warning signs but women will ignore them because they have such a need for love and often lack self-love or need a relationship so badly.

Feelings of shame and isolation often keep women in the shadows where they’re afraid to discuss their experiences.

Her 10-week series entitled, “He Hit Me,” is part of a social movement where anybody can join for information. As a coach, she specializes in working with women who are entrepreneurs and leaders who have been out of abusive relationships for 10+ years.

On her website, Liz describes herself as: “I rock a bald fade, big hoop earrings, false lashes and stilettos. And damn right, I love my individuality.” This description is the culmination of her journey and becoming the “self-discovery diva,” while also empowering other women.

“A big part of the movement is teaching people to be themselves and break out of the box and not be what others want you to be. Growing up, I was used to being the smart girl. Growing up, I didn’t think I was the cute girl. I was the smart, academic girl. Then, I wanted to be the sexy girl. It was a battle. I felt like I was cheating myself. At this point, yes, I’m intelligent, I love politics but I have as much substance as style.”

No matter who Liz is working with or reaching out to, she wants them to use introspection to empower themselves to better not only their situations but their lives as well.

“Knowing who you are, understanding, finding clarity around your purpose is the answer to your problems. I challenge everybody to look inward. Everybody is obsessed with comparison but my belief is you are complete with everything you need at birth. You have to look inward. I challenge you to explore and leave you empowered as well.”